I don't like to cuss. I do get an enormous eight year old boy satisfaction out of calling my girl dogs 'bitches', because they are (and yes they are, follow me?)
George isn't so bad. She is practically perfect. Yes George IS a girl, NO she is not Georgina, Georgette or Georgia. Her name is GEORGE. I named her after a Bugs Bunny cartoon wherein a hairy alien/monster finds Bugs and cradles him in his arms and pronounces in a very loopy voice as he's rocking him gently, "I will love him. I will feed him and I will name him George." That's where the name came from, it was my exact sentiments upon becoming her Mommy.
{Cue the angels singing/harps playing here..}
Bella on the other hand...
Bella needs help. Mental help. For the record she is adopted. I see those looks people give me for having a 'designer dog'(or two). I feel the accusing stares when she apes it up. No, I didn't go to a pet store or directly to the puppy mill and buy her. I saved her gosh darn it and THIS is how she re-pays me?
Bella was taken from her mama prematurely, so she could bring home the bacon for her evil captors. They put lil' Bells on a plane from Siberia (okay,Russia) to sunny San Diego where her overly Botoxed new 'mom' awaited her arrival. Ol' Botox took one look at Bella, the six week old bully and uttered,"Eww," her face looked as if she stepped in dog poop barefoot (quite a feat with all that Botulism squirted in her mug). She went home left Quasimodo jr. in the car and immediately had her pool boy place an ad on Craigslist. You see Bella was born with one bad eye, it's quite gruesome, but it's well, only cosmetic, she can see fine from it, it's just well,ugly.
Enter my dear friend Frank and his lovely wife Lizzy. They had been looking for a companion for their aging pug Vinnie, hoping a puppy would make Vinnie active again, they didn't notice the eye, just that Bella needed a home--pronto.
Vinnie went on a hunger strike. It lasted over a week (Vinnie ate again the minute the door slammed behind Bella's butt).
I told Frank I would take care of her. I felt bad for Vinnie and this poor unwanted creature. She came to me as "Daisy". I initially wanted to name her "Stella", my last name being Brando, I thought it would be funny to have her at the dog park with me screaming, "Stella, Stella!"ala Brando in Street Car (yes, I am EASILY amused). I thought it was so amusing that I decided to reserve the name for a potential future offspring. I opted for 'Bella" instead of Stella, because hot damn, if she sure didn't have one messed up eyeball and needed an ego boost.
For a month she was a complete and utter angel, perhaps sensing another residence change if she stepped out of line. I finalized the adoption, she was mine and I was hers:
Then...She became a freakin' devil dog. This is her most often state, where she has been caught red-pawed in the act of terrorizing someone or something, guilt ensues and she assumes what we have dubbed 'the position':
Here's a list of things she can't help, but still gross her new Mommy (me) out:
- She farts constantly (and audibly). Granted it does make me laugh, which ALWAYS prompts my Fancy to whine, "How come when she does it, it's funny?"
- She sheds her entire coat each and every day. Basically leaving behind another dog in her wake.
- She drools like a drunken sailor (or so I'm told)
- She snores so loud it levitates the bed, between Bella and the Fancy I may never sleep again, prompting I am convinced premature aging.
- She's bulimic. She eats a lot and throws up, bingeing I think it's called. I have consulted multiple vets--perfect health. She just likes to eat and vomit. No, she wasn't diagnosed with bulimia but I live in L.A. I think I can spot a bulimic when I see one.
There's more to this tale and I promise to offer up my little monster up on a platter, like a lamb to slaughter, because she's gotta be good for something and if it is making fun of her at her expensive--so be it. What does 'Ol Marie have to say about her grand daughter? She is convinced Bella will drive the Fancy away, "And joo no spreeng cheekin". Basically I will be a lonely lady with an angry, bulimic dog. Though, some people are much worse off...
