Back when I was younger and more judgmental (four years ago). I would look at kids having tantrums or dogs that were out of control and think that the parents/owners had a huge part in the obnoxiousness. Why else would a kid or animal act that way unless the people in charge were completely inept? I now publicly apologize for my ignorance. I am sorry. I know you are probably trying your hardest but something is wrong with your charge and not you, call it willful or demonic possession (my preference), I don't care what you call it but I totally believe it's not your fault, so much so that you can totally blame it on my parents because I like to blame them for everything that is off in the world. I am totally good at accepting my part in the chaos like that--it's their fault. I have the world's naughtiest dog, but let me reword that she's no Marley and Me--she's insane. Yes, we adopted her and we didn't have a hand in her earliest days on earth but whatever happened to her it's four years later and she's 28 now and she's been through enough therapy that she should come to grips that her biological parents abandoned her and the Fancy and I, non-furry human's that we are (me, I guess the Fancy is still a little more hairy than most) have devoted our lives to making her little one so much better. She has come to a crescendo though in her very bad behavior.
We recently moved and Bella the beast is not taking kindly to it. Of course, I took her over to the new apartment many, many times prior to us moving in so she could take in all the smells and get used to the new surroundings before we completely moved in. When we leave we leave her sister in the crate (because Bella doesn't realize her own strength when playing with a three pound dog so we have to separate them) me thinking that Bella needed more space, I put her in the bathroom with water, food, feather pillow, toys, the NY Times, whatever her heart desires. After we go, Bella proceeds to try to eat her way out by chewing a chunk of door off by laying sideways and gnawing on the space between the door and floor but not before devouring a roll of toilet paper. Mind you she was only in the bathroom for 1/2 an hour. She was reprimanded and told 'no' and we let it be known we were unhappy and all that, which she rolled over on her back and drooled out the side of her mouth (very lady like) in acknowledgment.
This weekend we left again to see a movie, we hadn't bought a crate for her yet and decided to give her a second chance before we relegated her to puppy prison. We put the toilet paper on the top shelf in our bathroom and made sure she had extra toys to preoccupy her (of course we walk her to complete exhaustion til the Fancy and my toes are bleeding, we watch the Dog Whisper too ya know). A few hours later we came back and she has presumably climbed on top of the slippery toilet seat, stretched her muscular body flat on the shelf behind the toilet, took a flying leap 4ft up and swatted with her paw the delicious roll of aloe infused toilet paper. It was a full double roll if you were interested. She wasn't wasteful, nope not my girl, she ate the inner cardboard roll as well. Almost. I pulled it out of her gullet and what do I get for saving her very sensitive intestines? The cold shoulder...
Join us next week when I regale you with tales of how she bit the Frenchie next door for no reason and how she has to now be fitted for a court ordered custom muzzle and will bear a striking resemblance to Hannibal Lecter .
And you? How was your weekend? Oh and if you are wondering, I am totally second guessing my future parenting abilities and will be giving much thought to the idea of spawning. I now know it's a total crap shoot and not everyone's children can be as good as I was and I A) Hate to gamble and B) Hate to gamble. So there.
P.S. Anyone who is going to give me flack about the muzzle. Don't. The alternative if she bites another living soul is the death chamber and well given the choice between the two I chose the muzzle--call me crazy. I love my insane little girl and I am hoping that this is just a phase that has currently lasted her entire life but maybe, just maybe she can grow out of it.
